No Contact: A Blank Screen is The Best Screen When Abuse is Shut Down
Many who start to become aware of the fact that they are in abusive relationships struggle with the idea of going #nocontact. But I love him. But we have kids together. But he’s been really nice lately; like the man I fell in love with. (Disclaimer: for the men out there reading this, I know there are also narcissistic women. Simply replace the pronouns as needed for your case).
Yes, there are truly logistical reasons why you may believe going no contact is absolutely impossible for you. But here’s the thing: you will never be free unless you cut the ties completely.
That means: block him on your phone, block his email address, block him on every single social media platform.
I know you love him. I loved them, too. But don’t you love yourself more? He isn’t capable of loving you if he is repeatedly tearing you down physically, verbally, emotionally, sexually, etc. That’s not love, and you are worth more than that. You can walk away, you can break free, you can heal, and you can stop all contact. It’s not easy, but it does get easier (and more peaceful!) over time.
I know you have kids. I know you will always have that connection and need to communicate. There are special parenting apps out there for this situation (such as https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/) that keep communications to only the app, and you can remove him from your phone, email, etc. Your lawyer can intervene. If you have a good relationship with his family, you can communicate with them. If your children are old enough for a phone, they can establish a relationship without you (of course, as long as there is no dragging the kids in the middle as go-betweens; that’s never acceptable for either parent.)
I know he’s been nice lately. But it’s part of the disease. When they see you gaining strength, they’ll start to pull you back in with love-bombing techniques. In no time flat, they’ll be blowing up your phone and inbox with the same old nasty comments you are trying to get away from.
No contact is no contact. Your eyes are not meant to be in his space, and his are not to be in yours.
Perhaps you can’t block, but you can ignore. It goes beyond not responding. Don’t even read the messages. Don’t “stalk” their profile to see what he’s up to or what the new supply looks like. Don’t ask friends how he’s doing.
It is the only way you can move forward and heal. I can tell you from experience that it is possible. You can break your own addiction to needing to see his words, whether nice or nasty; to see if his life is falling to shit like yours is; to going on the monkey-go-round of continued verbal assaults. And guess what? Even if you have a weak moment (we all do!) and contact him, you can start all over again—without berating yourself.
Because no contact is a process. It’s part of healing from abuse, and you are a work in progress. But start with minimizing contact as much as you can. If he still has to reach you by phone for now, he still can be blocked on social media. You can still take baby steps to break the chains that are binding you to communication. And little by little, you can set yourself free.
I believe in you xo
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